The turtle responded, "Let me get out of my shell and I'll do it. I'll do it all night!"
Once upon a time there was a horny sheep and a horny turtle. They met on the most beautiful dark stormy night, at The Horny Animal Barn. The male sheep was drunk as a skunk, and the female turtle was even more pickled than him. The sheep went up to the turtle and said, "Hey Baa-aaby, what's happening? Do you want to go up to the hayloft for some horseplay?"
The turtle responded, "Let me get out of my shell and I'll do it. I'll do it all night!"
So they went up to the loft and did it until they sobered up. About 9 months later, the turtle had a human child. It was a little boy. (Everyone knows that if a sheep breeds with a turtle you get a human.) The turtle sent the little boy to a human family who posed as the kid's aunt and uncle. They named him Little Boy, because Boy was the family's last name.
One day the boy was walking through the woods when he ran into a horny old man that said, "I'll give you 2 magic beans if you will kill my serpent."
The boy took this statement the wrong way, and planted his axe between the old man's legs. He then fished through the old man's pockets and found a small packet of seeds. As it happened the boy destroyed the beans which were in a sack on the old man's crotch. The little boy went home and planted the seeds in a pot, and then he fell asleep with his phuk monkey doll.
The next morning, when he awoke, the boy saw the the old man's seeds had grown into a huge plant that could talk, and ate meat. He named the plant Fungdio the Carniverous Plant. He grabbed the plant and rushed downstairs to show cousin Patricia. Downstairs he ran into Aunt Patty who told him, "Cousin Patricia is out getting some tail from her lover Arkytz, a vironkin who she loves with all her heart."
The little boy looked sad, and let his aunt feed the plant. Suddenly, the plant jumped up and started to bite off Aunt Patty's limbs, while Little Boy stood backward, laughing with sadistic glee. Soon there was nothing left of Aunt Patty, so Little Boy went upstairs and got it on with the topless maid, who was his slave and did anything he wanted.
When Uncle Carl came back home, he was so depressed he ran away and got married to a male goldfish. Cousin Patricia ran away with Arkytz to a new planet and populated the whole planet with their children.
Little Boy grew up and became an astronaut. One day, when he was spacewalking, Little Boy came across a green person who looked a lot like Uncle Carl. "Uncle Carl! Uncle Carl!" Little Boy yelled. "I'm sorry I accidentally killed Aunt Patty!"
And the green man slowly responded with "Uuuuunnncccllleee?!?!"
And so the green man, Little Boy, and the topless maid lived together unhappily ever after, though the green man had some very weird habits, and the neighborhood pets frequently turned up missing. However, they almost always came back after a few days, squealing and limping oddly.
E-mail Kip and tell him what you thought.